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Cathy's
Discussion Group -- Explaining Death and Dying to Young Children
By Phyllis Kory
Robin, Wouter and Jake Schievink opened
up their house to us recently to discuss that topic which most of
us would like to ignore. I was reluctant to attend as well, thinking
that because there had been no recent death or loss in my family
and it wasn't necessary. Boy, was I wrong!
In this society, the tendency is to
avoid the topic of death until a "death event" takes place.
Then, because there is no context to put it in, the "event"
can take on monumental proportions and often becomes highly emotionally
charged. Cathy explained to us that another approach could be more
beneficial. Seeing and treating death as a natural part of the
life cycle and making it an accepted component of existence
would allow us to greet a "death event" in stride. To
do this, we need to be able to talk about death and dying in simple
and concrete terms, on a casual daily basis. There are great books
available to have and to read to our children now, before there
is a death.
Information leads to mastery. If we
know exactly what's going to happen when we die, then we won't have
to worry about it now! We have our own religious and spiritual explanations
for death, but the true facts remain. We are born. We live. We die.
Death is a difficult concept for children to grasp. Adults who talk
about death to children are better at helping children deal with
it. Children often become anxious when the adult is anxious as well.
Here are
3 questions children frequently ask, and some responses
What is death?
Death is the cessation of bodily functions. To put it simply,
our body stops working. We don't need it any more. It is final
-- inevitable, and happens to all living things.
What makes people die?
There are 3 things that make people die: old age, a serious illness
that makes the body stop working, or an accident.
Where do they
go when they die?
Most of us can go to our spiritual/religious beliefs to answer
this question, but the most direct response would be that when
we die, we are buried and our bodies go into the ground.
Children's
attitudes towards death vary with their ages and development
- 3 --
5 year olds involves a denial of death as final and regular
- 5 --
7 year olds involves an acceptance of death as happening to others
but not to ones self
- 9 years
and older can have an acceptance of death, even for oneself. It
becomes a more realistic approach.
It
is important to be aware of Piaget's stages of the cognitive development
in children.
- Learning proceeds
from the simple to the complex
- Learning travels
from the concrete to the abstract
- Children have
ego-centric thinking. They need reassurance that they were not
responsible for the death, and that they will be cared for.
It
is important to be aware of the stages of grief, so we know what
to expect and how to help our children. Those stages are:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance and Hope
Some
books for adults are
Explaining
Death to Children -- Earl A. Grollman
They Need to Know -- Audrey K. Gordon
What Helped Me When My Loved One Died -- Grollman
On Children and Death -- Elizabeth Kubler - Ross
Telling a Child about Death -- Edgar N. Jackson
Some
books for children are
Lifetimes
-- Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen
The Dead Bird -- Margaret Wise Brown
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney -- Judith Viorst
The Accident -- Carol Carrick
The Black Dog Who went Into The Woods -- Edith Hurd
When People Die -- Bernstein & S. Gullo
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