Rose's Discussion Group: Setting Limits
By Jackie Brooks
     The following is from a discussion group Rose gave November 1998
     Rose began by defining what discipline meant to her-starting with what it should not be. Discipline should not be punishment. Discipline is not about showing who has the power in the family. Discipline should not be a way of getting even for the adult's own childhood problems. Lastly, discipline should not be reduced to a "because I said so!"
     Discipline is a way to change a child's behavior without causing him or her a loss of self-esteem. Discipline is also related to any particular incident in terms of its form, content and intensity.
     In order to discipline a child or to set limits, we must first accept and understand their feelings. Then we let them know what they cannot do and what they can do. It is important to remember that anger is a very natural part of this phase of childhood. They are trying to get control of their own lives and they don't have the control the adult has, so it makes them angry. Finally, discipline is about teaching children, not punishing them. We tell them what they can and cannot do.
     We ought to give them control wherever and whenever it is appropriate to do so. We need to allow them their anger when they do not get their way. They need to accept the rules, but they do not have to like it. Expressing their anger in an appropriate way is healthy.
     At this point in child development, the child is fighting to gain control over his or her life and is trying to obtain a sense of autonomy and power. Our job is to let them know where they have it and where they do not. Some decisions are only for mommy and daddy to make, such as ones concerning health, safety and the rights of others. Rules should be based on the child's developmental stage as well as what is specific for the household.
     As a last resort, we can use "time out" or "withdrawal of privileges." When the children are out of control we have to help them regain control. We stay with them and tell them that we are there and that we will sit and wait until they are calm so that talking can resume. At this age they have a heightened fear of abandonment and have to be able to feel safe about expressing their negative feelings.
     It is also useful for a child to learn about the natural consequences of one's action. For example, if a videotape happens to be thrown to the floor and destroyed, then it will not be replaced.
     Generally, children respond well to positive statements rather than negative ones. For example, when trying to get a child to do something, we can say, "Let's change your shirt so that we can go get a snack," or, "Let's put the toys away so that we can go outside.' This kind of positive phrasing gives them a sense of control over themselves. We should use this as opposed to, "If you do not let me change your diaper, then we will not go get a cookie."
     If after several efforts we fail to get cooperation, then we can use counting down and then finally we can say, for example, "Either you brush your teeth or I will," or, "You can come now or I will pick you up." They still have a choice, but both choices are desirable to the parent. In cases when you are not giving them a choice, do not make requests in the form of a question, such as, "Can I change your diaper?"
     In summary, love them, respect them and teach them.