Rose's Discussion Group--Three- to Six-Year-Olds
by Alison Freeman Reprint from November 1999
     The first discussion of the year proved, as always, to be lively. Several main issues were discussed including self-esteem, testing the limits and developmentally appropriate behaviors and activities. The developmental task of three- to six-year-olds is to define their newly developing world. In order to do this, they need:

1. Positive Self-Esteem. A strong sense of self comes from how we respond to them and their feelings. They need to know that they are worthy and lovable as they are, not as they CAN be.
2. The freedom to explore the world that they live in and their feelings. Overprotection may give a child the sense that the world is a dangerous place and they may become anxious whereas underprotection promotes aggression as they try to master an unsafe world.
3. Clear and minimal limits based on health, safety and the rights of others
   

     Manners were a concern shared by all. By the age of four, a child can be expected to show basic manners such as" please" and "thank you," but it is not realistic to expect them to be able to use "sorry" appropriately yet. Oftentimes, we will tell our child to say that he or she is sorry, but they don't really feel it. So, then what we are teaching them is to say it automatically and it doesn't come from them (it comes from the parent, not the child). Consequently it backfires as they learn to say, "I am sorry" to justify what they did without feeling remorse. We need to focus on helping Johnny hear that Jimmy was hurt rather than telling Johnny to say that he is sorry.
     As parents, we can accept our child's feelings but this doesn't mean we have to accept their behavior. We need to focus on telling them what they CAN do more than what they cannot do (i.e. "Let me show you where you can jump" instead of "Stop jumping on the bed").
     We also teach our children how to respect others by respecting THEM as children with feelings. It is more effective to say, "It makes grandma feel better when you say hello" instead of saying, "You have to say hello to grandma."
     Another issue discussed was age appropriate reactions to structured activities and classes. One mother reported that her child was showing resistance after she had paid for a series of classes and didn't know whether she should make him go even though he didn't want to. Rose's response was that developmentally, four- and five-year-old children may not be ready to participate in a structured class. The goal, at this point, is to expose them to different activities but that it is not realistic to expect that they begin and complete a class without possible resistance. Resistance is a normal response that says, "I am not ready for this." Rose's closing remark was reassuring to all of us who try to be perfect parents, "Try not to be so serious about everything."