Cathy's Discussion Group: Seven Steps to Conflict Resolution
By Renee Guirguis
     Reprint of article originally printed July 1999
     There's a stand-off in your living room-one child has a toy-a toy that another child claims that they had first. What do you do?

1. Walk the other way and hope no one gets hurt.
2. Walk the dog.
3. Walk your children through a proven method for resolving the conflict.
   

1. Get started by announcing the problem:
   "It looks like there is a problem."
2. Talk about what the problem is and clarify:
   "Ask child x "What do you want?" Then ask child y, "What do you want?" Then say,
   "So x wants ___ and y wants ____."
3. Summarize
   "There's a problem and we're going to agree on a solution."
4. Generate ideas
   "What do you think we can do to solve this problem?"
   
   • Keep asking for ideas from them.
     
   • Don't give your own suggestions for solutions until you're sure the children have shared all their ideas first.
     
   • Don't make judgments on their ideas. After they've given an idea say, "That's an idea." Don't say, "That's a good (or bad or unfair) idea."
5. Choose a solution
   Describe the solution agreed upon by the children.
6. Reinforce the solution
   "Congratulations. You solved the problem."
7. Follow through
   Observe to ensure the children don't get caught in the same conflict again.
   The goal is for the children-and not you as the mediator-to be satisfied with the outcome. Here are a few things to keep in mind when using this method:
   
   • Remaining neutral as a mediator is difficult but essential.
   
   
   • Be aware of the children's age and maturity level when using the method.
   
   
   • The method is easier when the children who are in conflict trust you.
   
   
   • This seven step method can be used in peer to peer conflicts as well as in sibling conflicts.

     Conflict resolution is something kids can feel very proud of when they do it well, and it's an invaluable skill that they can use throughout their lives.