|
"Why
Do Siblings Fight?"
by Renee Guirguis
These ideas were shared in the
discussion group with Cathy on the evening of October 19.
Why do siblings fight? The rivalry
is for the parents--everything else is symbolic. Siblings want to
know answers to questions such as "What do we mean to our parents?"
and "What will they give us? The emotional basis for sibling rivalry
stems from the need for praise, the need to compare, the need to
blame, the need to equalize, the need to be a problem solver and
the fear of one's own anger.
Let's
look at the stages of development and how having a sibling affects
them.
The first stage is
building an attachment with the primary caregiver. This relationship
is now unclear because the arrival of a sibling means competition
for the caregiver's attention.
The second stage is
developing autonomy. Because the child's pride and competence
is based on feedback from others, this development can be affected
by what type of feedback they receive from parents during sibling
conflicts.
Stages three through five
are about developing identity and values. This gives them a real
idea of who they will be. The sibling rivalry they experience
will help them develop their self image. While the arrival of
a sibling may be difficult for an older child who is used to their
parents' exclusive attention, it can also be a real learning experience
for both children. If it is suppressed it can continue into adulthood.
If it is worked through, it can help carve out a child's place
in the family structure. It shapes their self-image and helps
them learn how to understand and relate to others and to their
world.
The
relationship teaches them how to comfort and empathize with another
person, how to resolve conflicts and even how to make jokes. It
helps them learn areas they can excel in--areas that are different
from those of their sibling. As Dr. Spock states, sibling rivalry
"helps children find their place in the sun."
Don't let your relationship with your
firstborn suffer when the second child is born. It's easy to think
the older child is victimizing the younger child. Remember that
the older child isn't always at fault. Watch their interactions
to see what role each is playing. Help a child--older or younger--who
routinely plays the victim to be more assertive.
Help protect a child's privacy and
possessions. If a child wants private time, a private place, or
a special possession, help them achieve this. Extend the older child's
interests outside the home. Doing this will show that their expanded
turf isn't taken over by the new baby.
An active father with the older child
reduces sibling rivalry. The extra attention from dad can help offset
getting less attention from mom. If one child is feeling jealous,
make them feel valued in order to enhance their self-esteem. Make
sure you spend time with your children and do special things with
them. Children compete more for parents they don't see enough. Remember
that what they're really fighting over is your love.
What should we do as parents?
Teach
your children conflict resolution, then get out of the picture.
Giving in to sibling rivalry encourages a child to compete. The
issue they are arguing about is not the problem that needs to
be solved. It's the relationship that needs cultivation.
Remember that jealousy is normal.
Help your child understand that life is not fair. Everybody is
special in their own way, but not in the same ways as everyone
else. They can learn these lessons in their own families. Remember
that less interference from parents = less fighting.
If you are pregnant, here are a
few ideas to help your older child cope with a younger sibling:
Before: Let your child know
about your pregnancy early. Have your child help prepare for the
coming of the baby. Don't shower them with gifts. They'll think
"something dreadful is about to happen." Reassure them that they
won't be replaced--they'll be loved just like before.
During: Minimize the separation
period for the birth.
After: Don't upset their
routine. Include the older child in tending to the baby. Show
that what is between you and the new baby is not exclusive.
Parenting
Do's:
- Be consistent.
- Teach
good values.
- Show
children how to resolve conflicts through modeling.
- Treat
children individually not equally.
- Encourage
creative and make-believe play.
- Spend
time with your children.
- Make
children feel special for who they are.
|
