Parent Education


Discussion Group with Cathy Wagener: Anger
Based on Cathy's discussion group on March 14th
     Cathy began the discussion by sharing four parenting myths with us:

The Parent Trap
Myth # 1 There are perfect parents
Myth # 2 Parents must parent all the time
Myth # 3 There are perfect children
Myth # 4 There is a direct cause and effect relationship between parenting effort and outcome

     These myths helped us see a more realistic parent/child relationship and to be open to what we can accomplish by modifying our behavior towards anger.
     As parents, our adult attitude shades how we respond to our children's anger -- it often makes us angry. It's OK for children to be angry. They have real legitimate and developmental reasons for being angry

Some reasons for children's anger:
    • They are attempting to gain autonomy/independence/separation
    • They are controlled and limited and they want more power
    • They have differing agendas than ours
    • They are practicing self assertion
     A child's entire developmental thrust is to become independent, yet adults are in control most of the time. This makes for a constant conflict because we have to set and enforce limits. Knowing this can help us depersonalize our child's anger.
     When we respond to a child's anger with anger, we scare them and we are not effectively role modeling. Instead, we should teach them skills to deal with their anger. Without these skills, they may act out their anger in inappropriate ways such as hitting. Children may also develop physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, asthma, tics or rashes.
     Many times we give children double messages by telling them they can be angry but they shouldn'y yell or be "mean". Instead, say something like "You cannot yell at your brother, but you can yell in the bathroom."
     Giving children choices whenever possible makes them feel more powerful and gives them an opportunity to make their own decisions. For example, when it's time for bed instead of saying, "OK, Get on your pajamas and brush your teeth." say "You can either brush your teeth first or get on your pajamas first. It's your choice."
     
     The best way to respond to a child's anger is to:
    1. Stay calm and think before you react. We should literally stick our fist, a towel or a shirt-tail in our mouth to force us not to respond too quickly or inappropriately.
    2. Validate their anger -- tell them it's OK to feel angry. Put their feelings into words. Say to them, "You are really angry. You didn't like x. You feel like y." This narration helps a child organize their thoughts and feelings and make a mental transition.
    3. Stay with them until they can talk about their feelings. Don't leave them alone because they can actually be afraid of their feelings. They can feel guilty about the intensity of their negative feelings for people they care about. They may also hold their anger inside because they're afraid their parents will stop loving them if they were aware of the strength of their feelings.
    4. Give children real things to do when they're angry. Talk about the things that are OK to do and aren't OK to do. Brainstorm with them and help them find ways to express anger in a way that doesn't hurt anyone else.
      Some tools for dealing with anger:
      • Give them a safe place to yell

      • Create an "angry box" that contains:

      • a nerf bat to beat a tree

      • some old magazines to rip up

      • chalk to draw on the sidewalk

      • a pen to erite on the bottom of their shoe and stomp

      • a crayon and paper to draw a picture of their feelings
    5. Later, tell the "story of the Day". After an angry situation for them. Say, "This morning you had fun playing with your friends at school. AT home this afternoon you got really angry because x happened. You yelled and felt like hitting your friend. I told you it was OK to feel angry. I held you and didn't let you hit your friend. You cried, I give you some old magazines to tear up instead of hitting. After a few minutes you felt better and you weren't angry anymore. Then we had a nice dinner together". Retelling the story helps them see that anger isn't forever -- in the end all is fine.

     Children need to understand that love and anger aren't opposites -- they are both signs of caring. Anger can mask guilt, sadness, burt and fear. It's important for children to know that when they have angry feelings, they won't always win but they will always have someone who will listen to them.
     The self-respecting child can learn to experience strong emotions in a healthy and contained way. They can assert angry feelings or protest what they feel is unfair without feeling they can control other people with their anger or that they have to win.