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Discussion Group with Dr. Don Fleming: How to Stop the Battle With
Your Child
On
Thursday evening, February 24 a discussion group was held at the
home of Jackie, Dwight and Spenser Brooks. Dr. Don Fleming, a child
psychologist and parent educator spoke with us about preschoolers.
Preschoolers are learning many things
about the world and how to interact in it. These include how to
feel safe outside their home, how to follow directions and get along
with others, how much power they have and how to transition from
one activity to another. Many times, preschool is the first place
a child learns and practices these important emotional and social
skills. It isn’t a place for academics.
Our background, agenda and parenting
style all impact how we teach our children. Through research, Dr.
Fleming has determined there are several parenting styles. In the
old days, the predominant style was authoritarian. Now parents have
a conflict between boundary setting vs. letting the child be themself.
Some styles are: the overtalker who talks so much that the message
to the child gets lost because of too much information; the threatener
who gives the child "one more chance and then . . ." which is somewhat
passive-aggressive; the helpless which is usually a mother who plays
on guilt. It’s important for us as parents to realize our parenting
style and the impact it has on our interactions with our children.
Following are some questions and answers
we discussed:
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Q.
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What if my child continuously delays leaving (by playing,
etc.) when it’s time to leave our house? |
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R.
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Different
agendas between parent and child can create conflict. The child’s
main agenda is to play. Give them choices whenever possible,
"We need to leave in 5 minutes. Would you like to bring this
toy or this toy with you?" Remember that children are trying
to gain power. Giving them choices gives them back some power,
and many times you can still meet your agenda as well. |
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S.
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What
if my child won’t give their grandparents a kiss?
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T.
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You
may want your child to be social and "give grandma a kiss".
We should realize where a child is developmentally vs. our own
agenda. We may not be able to rush a child out the door. And
children shouldn’t always have to be social. Adults aren’t always
social, but they are more sophisticated about it. |
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Q.
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What
if my child cries when I leave them? |
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R.
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Preschoolers
have trouble with transition—separation problems, won’t play,
are anxious and/or cry. What you need to look at is how often
it happens and how severe it is. It’s probably normal for their
developmental age. |
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S.
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What
if my child won’t put on their shoes despite the fact that they
can? |
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T.
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It’s
best to say less and do more, therefore making a child more
independent. So, you can say, "I’ll put one shoe on and you
can put the other one on." The child is holding onto feeling
little, which is OK as long as it’s appropriate behavior for
their age. Remember to praise developmental learning. When the
child does put their shoes on by themselves, praise them for
it by saying something like, "I see you put your shoes on all
by yourself." |
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U.
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What
if my child is having a tantrum in public? |
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V.
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It’s
best to continue parenting without "giving in" to those laser
looks. |
Dr.
Fleming has a private practice on the westside and has written two
Books: How to Stop the Battle with Your Teenager and How to Stop
the Battle with Your Child, which is a best seller. He has also
written for various magazines and has been interviewed on national
and local TV stations.
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